Although I used to have people to talk with about randomness, I’ve always been a rather solitary person who wouldn’t pursue relationships of any kind or get stable “friends”. My lifestyle has been the same for very long and I’d never cared much, but as time passes this is starting to bite me in the ass very hard.
At this point I don’t think it matters if I confess the truth: I’m going through a major depression since many years ago, and underwent some sort of treatment during most of this year. Now that I realized that medication won’t help me I’ve stopped. It is really pointless to continue torturing myself with extraneous chemicals that do nothing but interfere with my body’s functions, including my sight, which isn’t as good as it was before the start of the treatment, an omnipresent reminder of the mass of shit I’ve become.
I’ve not improved at all over time — on the contrary, my situation is progressively worse and I don’t think I’ll be able to stand it for long. Hesitantly, I gave away some vague hints as to what was going on with my personal life in this post, and I occasionally post cryptic updates on Twitter which surely fly past most of my followers’ heads… precisely because there’s really no-one who cares about what happens to me other than myself, barely.
Loneliness never hurt me as much as it does now.
I’m almost out of energy, and I don’t know for sure what will happen next — and this has been a truly awful year for me, fact that I also hinted before. Will 2011 be better for me? Most likely not, unless I can find the path again on my own. Can anyone help me? Certainly not, and I’m perfectly aware of it.
The end-of-year festivities only serve to remind me what I’ve become. There’s nothing exciting, fun or comfortable for me, now that I’ve become hopelessly detached from my family and the few people who know me. This is why I’ve not really posted anything lately — there’s just no fucking point.
I care. I do, I have, and I will be praying for you, even more now. Contact me anytime.
I pray that God will mightily intervene in your life beyond anything you can possibly imagine.
Sometimes I wish we were neighbors.
God bless you.
There is an entire language and system to human interaction, and it can be learned just like learning one of the many computer languages you work in. Even if there's no one interesting nearby, you can practice on someone boring to hone your skills.
I've had my share of problems with depression, the kind where you go from one doctor to the next and they try this medicine and that until you finally say, "Enough with the damn drugs, there must be another answer." This is a widespread problem, because so many of us just can't adapt to the insane contemporary world. We need each other. People need you, even more than you need them.
Every feeling you've got in your life is worth.
Drugs or chemicals, they do help, but are not "magical entities", they can help as long as something else is done.
I know the feeling of seeing that there's no point in the things you do, specially 'cause I feel it too.
Sometimes is tough to face the world [humanity if the case], you believe the effort you make may be in vain, while, really it is not.
If you let me say, I think there's a misconception, in society, of human life, we are not machines; our lives need some change from time to time (not scheduled, at all); we all are different, but there's something on each of us that cheers up us; I usually go for a walk in the nature, or cry, or imagine, or talk (I even talk to myself), or all of them mixed up.
As I said before, every feeling in your life is worth, be it sadness or excitement, rage and anger, or generosity, do not let it rule over you. The very moment you feel wrong with yourself, you should be alert. There's nothing wrong but that things you do that make you feel uneasy, bad. Until then, it's OK
Do not worry too much about the world around you, take a break, you, your health, is over anyone. Maybe, just maybe, you need to think for a while, think about that thing that is blocking you, instead of just taking a medicine to let your mind fly away, flee form the issues you're having.(or coding, or whatever you do to keep at bay that thought that worries you).
Sorry if this message seems quite diffetent to what you ever expected, sorry it this haven't helped you in any way, or if it's inconvenient, I tried to make it a bit different, some kind of "reward" for your efforts at the BfW proyect, and a reward for beign capable of telling all this.
I wish you luck with whatever you en up doing, because, in one way or another what we do is our decission, as Antonio Machado said:
"Caminante, son tus huellas
el camino y nada más;
Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar.
Al andar se hace el camino,
y al volver la vista atrás
se ve la senda que nunca
se ha de volver a pisar.
Caminante no hay camino
sino estelas en la mar."
Keep on living, do not regret nothing, just learn from your actions.
That said, we're hard-wired to 'need' IRL human interaction; even if, like myself, you find hanging out with people to be really boring, there's an almost clockwork-like response where if you don't have a lengthy conversation with someone IRL for several days, depression sets in.
Don't think this depression is an indication of what the external world is like - just because it "feels" like life is meaningless and no one cares about you, doesn't mean reality is anything like that. It's incredibly easy to be fooled - our own physiology is lying to us. Don't let it - you've got a lot of people who care a lot about you, and you've done a lot of meaningful things for the world.